Problem Solving

I am a good problem solver and have spent much of my professional and personal life fixing peoples’ problems. I gave a lot of good advice on how people could solve their problems.  Some listened, and some didn’t.  However, as I have aged, I have realized that often people came to me not to have their problems fixed.  When they shared their problems with me, they really didn’t want me to fix their problems; rather, they wanted me to listen, encourage, or simply be there for them in the midst of their pain. 

I remember an incident when my daughter was running track in high school.  After she had run a race in which she didn’t perform well, she came up into the stands, and the first thing she said to me was, ‘Dad, I don’t need your advice; I just need you to sit with me for a while.”  She said so much in that short statement.  She knew my natural instinct was to help her run better, but she also knew her needs and was able to articulate them to me.  I remember being stunned by her acuity, and at that moment, I was quiet and listened. 

This wasn’t natural for me.  I am not naturally the nurturing kind of person who enjoys listening to people share their problems and then comforts them in their difficulties.  Some great people I know have this superpower.  After spending some time with them, they make you feel like you just had a warm mug of hot chocolate on a frigid night.  But this is not my normal proclivity. 

The engineer in me is much better at analyzing all contributing factors to the problem and then plotting a path toward resolution of the concern.  It is both my nature and my training to respond this way.  Most of my education was in this direction and I have been wired that way from birth.  When I hear someone complain or describe a problem, I immediately go to alleviating the issue. When I say I am learning to listen and not solve problems, this is counter-intuitive to me and to my wiring.  But I am learning to do this better.

I think the Apostle Paul is clear when he tells his friends, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (NIV Philippians 2:3-4). As I grew older, I realized that I needed to learn to value others as more important than me feeling good because I solved problems.  

I began to change by asking if people wanted my advice, wisdom, or perspective.  Of course, some said yes, even if they didn’t want my advice, but at least I asked.  Professionally, leaders pay me to solve impediments to their health and impact.  So, to be honest, I don’t always ask in those contexts.  However, even at times in those contexts, I am learning to be sensitive to whether the person really wants my help or just a hug.  Sometimes, it is the hug first, then the help. 

I also learned to read the situation rather than react to it out my natural strengths or instincts.  I have learned to read the situation by observing the person’s demeanor. I notice whether they are in a learning, asking, or listening mode.  Many times I find they are intent on just sharing their perspective and not finding a solution; so I have learned, this is the time to listen. I also look at the position of their body.  Are they physically leaning in to hear what I would say, or do I sense they are defensive?

What does their language reveal about their perspective?  Are they asking questions or making statements?  Do they use words to justify their position, like “always” or “never”?  If so, I appreciate they are probably not in a learning mode, and therefore, I need to be in a listening mode.  Is everything someone else’s fault? Do they only see themselves as a victim? Again, these are indications they want to share and my problem solving is of little use. If they are willing to accept some responsibility for the situation, then maybe they do want some help in resolving the issues.

I will never be the naturally soft-spoken, slow, patient, nurturing, and gentle person that we all need at times.  However, I am learning to function in this role at times.  I do this by first reading a situation before responding in my instinctual manner. I have learned to use words and a listening posture that communicates, “I hear you,” “I am sorry for your situation,” and “I know you feel great anxiety or pain right now.” 

I am surprised at how my natural response has softened as I have worked to develop these skills. They will never be my strengths, but surely can be within my skill set. As I behave this way, I actually become more of a caring person. I think everyone around me appreciates it, both personally and professionally.  I may not solve everyone’s problems, but to be honest, I didn’t when I was younger either.