Last week, I wrote on the value of a mentor and a reader thoughtfully asked me some probing questions about the practices of a mentor. As I processed her questions, I realized that I hadn’t talked much about the logistics of a mentoring relationship. I am sure there are many good books on mentoring, I just haven’t read them. But as I reflected on what I have read on mentoring, my perspective was often different from the author’s because they prescribed mentoring practices based upon their own experience, which is understandable. However, because my wiring is different from theirs, I often struggled giving and receiving mentoring as they prescribed.
So here are a few of her questions and my responses:
I have recently been asked to mentor someone. God had already been placing them on my heart, so I accepted. However, I am not sure quite how to structure the relationship in a way that might be most helpful for them.
I think everyone should mentor someone. You will learn so much as you invest in others. I often hear God speak to me when I am mentoring others. So you will benefit and most assuredly they will also. Mentoring is different from coaching. From my perspective, coaching involves skill set development in performance whereas mentoring engages the life of another. There surely is some intersection of the two, but I would suggest the emphasis is different.
I have found it beneficial to structure the mentoring relationship in a way that best suits you and the person you are mentoring. For instance, I am not wired in a structured way. So, I don’t do well when I am expected to ask them very concrete questions about what we talked about last time and what they were supposed to do. Hear me, this is a great mentoring structure, and I think what is often needed for individuals, but I am not wired that way. Therefore, I tell them to not expect me to hold them accountable or hold their hand on micro behaviors. I am much better at simply asking them at the outset of our time we meet: How are you doing, or what do we need to talk about? That works for me but may not for you. I find mentoring is as different as is our wiring.
Understanding that all our gifts and callings are different, and relationships like this may look different as well…are there general practices you have found to be helpful in mentoring relationships? I would be especially interested in helpful/harmful consistencies you might find as you look back over all your mentoring relationships, even given the differences of those individual relationships and seasons. Do you think there are some helpful over-arching principles there?
Let me suggest there are a few general principles in addition to what I just shared that I think can frame most mentoring relationships. The first is to set expectations of frequency and duration. I usually choose every other week or once a month. More frequently doesn’t allow time for growth, development, or work. I also suggest we meet for six months, and then we will both evaluate whether we feel we should continue. I expressly state that neither of us should be offended if the other senses this has been enough. I have made the mistake too often of not setting concrete expectations up front and it becomes fuzzy. Usually, in these cases, someone is hurt.
A second expectation at the outset is to identify what they want out of our relationship. What needs to happen for them to consider our time a success? I listen and ask questions and then tell them I need some time to pray and think about whether I am best at providing what they desire. I have told people no after hearing what they desire because I didn’t see myself providing what they wanted. As I stated above, I am not passionate or gifted to hold others accountable, so if their expectation comes close to that, I suggest they find someone more gifted than I am in this style of mentoring. I am grateful for those that God has called and gifted in this style of mentoring. It isn’t that I couldn’t, but mentoring must be something I desire to do, not something I have to do.
A third expectation I discuss with the individual I am mentoring is how different or similar I am to the person I am considering mentoring. Often, I have them take the TW Suite to give us the vernacular in discussing these similarities or differences. This clarifies how I can help them grow differently than I. This also helps set realistic expectations on what can be accomplished through our time together.
A fourth expectation is the content that is discussed in our times together. This varies dramatically for me because their needs vary dramatically. I have read books together, prayed together, shared wisdom learned in the trenches, and sometimes just listened to them and wept with them. I am not convinced the content is as important as the life transfer that occurs in the context of a healthy mentoring relationship. What I mean by this is, God takes what he has developed in the life of one person through challenges and forms life lessons in another individual. Content is helpful as it provides a framework, but it isn’t the most important part of mentoring.
Lastly, I find it interesting that I have had mentors for short seasons such as a year or two, while several others lasted several decades. These long-term mentors have evolved naturally into friendships where I am free to call them whenever I need, or they can call me as I come to mind. It is very casual and organic, but insightful as we probe deeper issues in my life. These relationships are very special and can only develop over a long period of time. I have very few of these types of giving or receiving mentoring relationships.
Mentoring is a relationship, so it will be organic. However, if there aren’t some structural expectations at the outset, the relationship can become awkward. These are simply some of my thoughts on the structure undergirding the relationship.
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