Considering the private feedback I received from last week’s blog, I would like to continue to process how we deal with those who have been hurt in a church, whether pastor, staff, or congregant. Collateral damage from the local church is all around us. We must address the relational dynamics of churches if they are to be the incubators to produce disciples of Jesus. Why are so few churches today seeing long-term life transformation in people? Let me suggest that life change occurs in the context of a close relationship. In other words, inner transformation doesn’t take place from sitting in a pew and listening to fifty sermons.
I fully appreciate that we may learn a lot from listening to 50 sermons, 100 webinars, or 150 podcasts, but inner transformation takes place: life on life. I love Paul’s word to a church he started. He writes, “Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.” (NIV 1 Thessalonians 2.7-8) Notice Paul is clear that because he loved them so much, he not only shared the good news of God, but he literally shared his life with them. He was intimately acquainted with them. A few verses later he says he dealt with them as a father would his own children by encouraging, comforting and urging them to live lives worthy of God (2.11-12). These people were the evidence of his calling and in them he took pride (2.19-20).
Life transformation takes place as one person intimately engages in another’s life. This is what allows us to speak into the lives of each other. Let me illustrate this. Last week we had some long-term friends visiting us, and we decided to go for a walk. While on the walk, Mary Kay decided we should go a different direction from where I had planned. I was outvoted and so begrudgingly agreed. A few moments later, when I was asked about what I thought of another decision, I shared my perspective and then said, “If that is okay with Mary Kay,” in a snarky way!
One of our friends said, “That sounds a little passive-aggressive, Greg.” It hurt because she was right, and I had just been called out on it. Then she went on to say, “I only said that, Greg, because we are such good friends and have been together for so long, and I know you can take it.” At that moment, it hit me: this is the body of Christ in action. She felt free to challenge me because of our long-term relationship of mutual openness, transparency, and trust.
This is how Christlike behavior is cultivated in the local church. It is cultivated through safe relationships that are authentic and honest. These kinds of relationships don’t develop through a one-hour service once a week. These kinds of relationships take years to develop through many kinds of experiences. Is it a surprise that we struggle to build disciples through church programming that fills our heads but has little relational context for speaking truth to the heart?
Very few pastors have these kinds of life-altering relationships in the church either. Church boards are set up to provide accountability but not to promote maturity on the part of the leaders and or pastors. The larger a church grows, the fewer relationships the pastor will have that can speak truth and maturity in their lives. These pastors may have deep friendships outside the local church context. But it is much easier to look good for a once-a-month meeting than life on life. I mentioned last week that often pain in the church results from immature leadership. So what do you do with it? We all must seek to put ourselves in long-term relationships with people who have a heart to become like Christ and can speak life and truth into our lives.
This only happens when people are in close emotional proximity with each other over extended periods of time. This isn’t something that many people in churches take the opportunity to develop. Even in small groups, which are often content-driven or change frequently, there simply isn’t the opportunity to develop these kinds of life-giving and life-changing relationships.
This is true for congregant, leader, staff, or pastor. We all must be in these kinds of relationships for our growth and biblical maturity to develop. Paul had these kinds of relationships with most of the congregations to which he wrote. This was because, he started many of these churches and they were smaller in number, so he knew the individuals personally. In many of his letters, he addresses individuals by name. We must not forget this cultural context when we read his letters. He was firm and wasn’t afraid to call out unChristlike behavior. But for the most part, it was with individuals that he was personally invested in.
I am not naïve to think these kinds of relationships are easy to form and maintain. So, I am not surprised that few followers of Christ are provided the environment to mature in their walk with Christ. I know churches of all sizes that are trying to address this issue. However, I am not sure many followers of Christ really desire these kinds of relationships because they can be painful. I can still remember the sting of being called out last week…
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